A couple of weeks ago, I ran alone for the first time since my race in Boston in late May. My usual running partners decided to take the day off and be lazy, which turned out to be a good thing because I really didn’t fell like running with anyone on that particular day. I do that sometimes. I seclude myself. I shut down. Not because I’m sad or angry or going through something but because sometimes I like being alone. It’s my way of meditation where I’m able to think things through and find a moment of clarity in the jigsaw puzzle that is my brain. It gives me an opportunity to reflect on a situation that needs attention before a rash decision is made. It gives me time to maybe put an idea running through my head on paper. Whatever the reason may be whenever I have time to be alone I bask in it. Being an only child does that to you I guess, or maybe it doesn’t. I don’t know. I just know the one thing I miss most since moving back home is my solitude and it’s nice to be able to find some alone time in the simple things like running.
So I drove to a park nearby and just ran. No timing, no pacing just one foot in front of the other until my legs gave out and my lungs where gasping for breath. Until my quads burned with every stride and my arms could swing no more. I do this too sometimes. I test myself. I push myself physically. Waking up the next day and feeling soar makes me feel alive. The pain makes me feel alive. Now, the pain I’m referring to isn’t the bad pain, the hard pain that takes you by surprise and knocks you down so fast you have no idea what hit you. I’m talking about the good pain, the adrenaline rush that hits your every nerve and makes you feel invincible. Sometimes life gets stagnant and routine, and when that happens I need something to kick me back in gear. I happen to use exercise. There’s no grand explanation for this particular phenomenon of my life. Sports are what I do and right now I run. In the years to come when all the cartilage in my knees is gone I’ll bike, but I’ll always do sports. The pain, the rush, the invincibility are a constant part of who I am.
I ended up running a total of six loops around the park before I threw myself on the grass. As a said, I wasn’t trying to run each mile at a certain pace I just kept going like a little Energizer Bunny. I guess I got lost in my run. I watched the sunset behind the mountains; watched kids at football or baseball practice; watched people walking their dogs; watched parents playing with their kids in the playground, and as I saw all these images around me it took me back, back to a time when life was simple. I used to come to this park when I was a kid. I used to play in the playground once, used to sit on the bleachers and watch my cousins play baseball and during the summer I used to swim at the pool in the rec center. I had a great time at this park. I had a great childhood. I’m very thankful for all the memories I can look back on. Because today, the people once close to me are now so distant and the ones that were distant are now so close. That’s part of life. Relationships change but the memories always make you smile.
As I gathered myself and drove home that day, I told myself I needed to run at the park more often. I had fun. A few days later I did, but it wasn’t the same. Maybe it was the heat or maybe I was tired but the solitude, pain and nostalgia had passed. Hopefully one of these days I’ll run fast enough and catch all three again.
